I’ve been silent for a while and I will now attempt to delve into the whys of my silence.
This has been a season of loss under overcast skies. One of walking a path overgrown with weeds and thickets, and I haven’t always had a machete handy to tame the way. As opposed to previous holidays, this one had a distinct Saturnine and constricting tone. And loss. Distilling my gains and losses.
While the suddenly hesitant sun hid behind clouds of rain, and grey skies, November became December, and I was weighed down by daily life, even as family demands typical of the holidays enlisted my attention. Adding to the mix that we were also amidst the process of moving. I navigated this landscape with a mixture of resistance and lethargy.
The peak of this gloomy descent arrived close to the eve of 2019, when I was informed that a very close friend, sister, and kindred, passed away. It felt like a clanging cymbal struck my heart, reverberating in ripples throughout. Needless to describe how this colored my transition into this new year. Loss, wrapped in the coverings of regret, sadness, and pain.
But, one continues and amends where possible. I frequently found myself shuffling the cards, searching for questions, and thinking about what do do with myself. I feel I’ve given this mourning both time and consideration, and now I’d like to indulge, just briefly, in showering my friend’s life, with fragrant rose petals in the wake of her passing.
She was a bright light, a beautiful poem, that wove itself in tendrils of wisdom. Of valiant heart, she was a well of love, compassion, and kindness. A true teacher and scholar, sagacious, patient, and inquisitive. Persisting with discipline and attention on that which fueled her passion and drove her onward. She was always an inspiration, and the first person I turned to for all my ideas and ramblings. I can only hope I was able to offer in return some of the immensity with which she showered me. In the years that I knew her, and the thousand upon thousand words we shared, she was, and continues to be, unparalleled. She has now become a bright star that shines upon other shores, and I cannot help but smile for she has become more than the sum of her self in life.
As I write these words, I think of love. Because one thing that has stayed with me throughout this ordeal is the recognition that love is what we have to hold us up together. Death is inevitable for all, it is assured and inescapable. But love, our connections with others, endures and often becomes the fuel which propels us onward, the fuel that ignites our mutual flourishing. Besides, life is fleeting, and the only certainty we have is the now. So as I look ahead, I’m reminded to keep my eyes trained on the now, to pay attention, to give love and compassion, to share and to continue writing. That even as I weave my story thinking of the future, I keep my eyes focused on the present, because that is the only certainty I have.
I hope as I close these reflections that my words serve to hearten us all as we keep going, moving, and doing.
Nearing the close of the month, I also hope to have finished editing the next Animating the Tarot Pips post, and sharing it with you all, and by next month my auguries will continue their monthly overviews.
I want to end with verses from a very remarkable hobbit, and they go as follows:
The Road goes ever on and on,
Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
And I must follow, if I can,
Pursuing it with eager feet,
Until it joins some larger way
Where many paths and errands meet.
And whither then? I cannot say. ⋅
The Road goes ever on and on
Out from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
Let others follow it who can!
Let them a journey new begin,
But I at last with weary feet
Will turn towards the lighted inn,
My evening-rest and sleep to meet. ⋅
- I invite you to visit the treasure trove that is my friend’s slice of the web: https://crowess.wordpress.com/
- J.R.R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings, The Fellowship of the Ring, “A Long-expected Party”
- J.R.R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings, The Return of the King, “Many Partings”